Thoughts on the Love of my Life getting Married to Someone Else

I’m having trouble saying that I’m in love with her but I can say for sure I have feelings for her still. I am on my way back from a bachelorette party in which I was one of the bridemen. I don’t understand why she still views me as a close friend when a lot of times we hang out I feel like I have to tip toe around her and I can feel this uncomfortable tension between us. She seems to not know what to say either when it’s just the two of us.

Strangely it’s only when it’s the two of us along with Hiren that it’s weird. When Hiren gets up to use the bathroom or leaves us alone for a bit it gets noticeably weird and awkward. I think the biggest reason I feel the way I do is because she gave me so many chances and we were always so close to getting together or even kissing.

It was when we were watching the Shining. Everyone else fell asleep and it was just Priyanka and me. We were chatting and getting really close but never touching. We were inches from kissing and were just talking but I was too scared to make a move because I believed she wasn’t the one and I was looking for The One. So our other friends woke up and headed out along with Priyanka leaving me in the dark wondering what if? Still to this day I’m left with what if’s?

When she was about to go meet up with Joe who was waiting for her outside to ask her out, she was drunk and we were drinking together just me and her. She kept saying “you are such a good friend. You know that?” But as she was saying this she was leaning in and looking at me. There was a look of desperation in her. That look said “Please ask me to stay.” Again, I hesitated and let her go. I let her go say yes to a guy who she broke up with a month later.

I saw her crying after seeing Chane who would make her upset everytime she saw him. I watched as Chane broke down the girl I had fallen for. She changed after that relationship. She was damaged. I wish I could’ve saved her the heartache. I could’ve saved her when we pledged into APO together.

We went to an APO party where we got fucked up. We danced together. Then the next day we talked about it. She didn’t remember much so I told her that we had danced together to which she got quiet. I told her “But don’t worry it didn’t mean anything. Just because you dance with someone doesn’t mean it means something.” I remember her face when I said that. She was sad. She did want it to mean something. I didn’t want it to mean something at that time. I was still looking for my future wife who probably wasn’t her according to my family and my warped delusions of the future.

A few days later, it was the deciding day for the brothers to accept us. I was hanging out with some ppl and she came and sat quietly right next to me. Didn’t need to say anything. I was enjoying her company. We played Egyptian rat screw and Parth accidentally took her nail off. While he was tending to her, I continued playing and he eventually would ask her out and he’d be her first boyfriend. He was a good guy and I wasn’t bothered at the time. Then they broke up and found myself hanging out with her at her home in North Brunswick.

It was just us two and we were having fun and I felt this energy. I felt this tension. I didn’t act upon it. I can sense she wanted us to talk about the prospect of us. Another chance I passed up because I believed there would be someone else. Now I’m not so sure.

Logically it makes no sense why I should like her. I can’t describe how she is as a person. I don’t think she’s particularly funny and she rarely ever tries to be funny. I enjoyed making her laugh though. Her reactions to scary movies. She even would hold my hand.

Even while she was going out with her now fiancée, we went to watch a scary movie and she held my hand during a scary scene and kept it there. At the bachelorette party even. Idk how this happened but we ended up holding hands in the rain while we walked back to the hotel. But during that time I still didn’t know what to talk about.

I have trouble finding things to talk about with her. It’s uncomfortable. I can’t talk to her the way I used to be able to. I think when we were both single it was simpler because we were flirting with each other and able to. Now that she’s getting married, that flirtatious nature of our relationship can’t happen. From the get go of our first time meeting each other, I was attracted to her and there was a flirtatious mood between us. We would always laugh together in our own little corner, cut off from everyone else.

Now she seems closer with Hiren and I feel jealous. It’s been the three of us since college but she seems to prefer talking with Hiren. I see the nonverbal cues. She faces him more while she talks to us as a group and barely makes eye contact with me. She leans on him more when we hanging. It may sound whiny but I really miss being the one she confided in.

She used to talk to me about everything. The terrible treatment of the boys she dated or how she just wasn’t feeling one of the boys who liked her. She’d talk to me about the kind of guy she liked and if she would date an Asian guy (obviously asking for myself). It all changed when she started dating Ankur.

The last night of college we went out to the bars and that’s when I confessed I liked her since freshmen year. She confessed she did too and asked why I never asked her out. I don’t remember what I said but I think I mentioned that my parents and family would probably have been against it. That night I wanted to ask her out or at least make a move. So we danced a bit then she danced with some other guy.

I remember feeling hurt and on the way home calling my brother. All those times I hesitated and now I was sure I wanted her but she was dancing with some other guy and didn’t seem to want me anymore. I cried that night. All that pent up frustration came full circle that night. I felt I had lost my chance with her for real. My suspicion was right.

A short time later she started dating Ankur. I was tossed to the side as a potential prospect at this point. I accepted it because that’s what I do best. I let her go and this time was the last time. There would be no other chance. All those other times I subconsciously must’ve thought I’d have more time. I thought this time wouldn’t be any different. Now I live in regret of that decision.

Ankur is an amazing guy and it’s no wonder she fell for him. Successful, amiable, and driven. Similar to Priyanka in that aspect. I can’t help but feel like if someone were to have her he’d be the one.

I’m in a different part of my journey right now than she is. She is ready to settle down. Me? Not so much. I feel like I have so much more to see. So many more people to date. I compare my journey to Ted’s from HIMYM. Priyanka is my Robin. I cannot have Robin so I am on a search for the perfect girl.

So far I’m finding that I need a girl who makes me laugh and who I can be comfortable with. So I’m actually finding my move to California to be good in the respect that I’m learning what I want in a relationship. Even though Priyanka is out of the question, writing about all this made me realize I can move on. It’s not hopeless, my love for Priyanka, I mean. It’s not going to hold me back from dating other girls is what I mean. And maybe that’s a good sign. Because who’s to say that what I feel for Priyanka is just my FOMO.

Fear of missing out has been an overwhelming theme in my life since college. The girls I didn’t hook up with when I easily had the chance and the girl who was right in front of me who I liked back but didn’t make a move on because I was too busy trying to find The One have instilled an intense FOMO in me that still ravages my life today. Until I can get over my FOMO I don’t think I’ll be satisfied with my life. No matter how many more girls I sleep with and girls I date the FOMO remains. So what can I do to fix this accursed illness?

I think I’m mostly sad that Priyanka and I aren’t the same anymore. We don’t get along like we used to and I find myself hypersensitive when she disapproves of something I do or say. I want us to be like we used to so when she and I don’t know what to say to each other I get extra nervous and anxious about what to say next. That isn’t the mark of a true friend is it? So what makes her want to still invite me to things like her bachelorette and bridal party?

I find myself questioning why she values our friendship. I make things awkward for her and we don’t know what to say to each other. Actually who am I kidding? It’s because we care about each other. We may not get along like we used to but we care about each other and our well being.

I will always care about her and do hope for what’s best for her. I can go through this wedding if I know she will be well taken care of. Her happiness not mine. It’s like I always say happiness is found within yourself. Having her won’t make me happy if I’m not already happy with myself. So from this point until the wedding I’m going to work on battling my depression. I’m going to find happiness within myself that is untouchable by anyone but myself.

Priyanka I love you. I hope you are truly happy. I will not stand in the way of your happiness cuz of my greed. I am going to be one of this guys in the movies who watches her marry someone else. That’s ok though because you’re marrying someone who obviously cares about you and can provide for you. He has his life figured out and I’m not quite done figuring my life out. I’m not ready for you. I just hope we can find a rhythm and find that same wavelength we used to be in again. If we can accomplish the friendship we once had I’ll be happy. Until then, I’m going to actively work on us. I’m going to work hard to figure out what it is I need to figure out to be a good friend to you again. I just hope you can talk to me comfortably again. That’s my biggest wish out of all of this.

So I didn’t hook up with this girl I had a chance to with and it’s made me realize something: my life revolves around sex. I’ve been trying to have as much sex as possible and coming up short. This has frustrated me and given me a lot of stress. My friend made me realize too that sex is not a big deal. You can have it anytime if you just lower your standards and really what does it matter? It feels the same pretty much. So perhaps it was a blessing in disguise to help me realize I need to stop masturbating so much and thinking about sex and start focusing on my life. 

It was also one of the worst nationals for me because I lost us the game on the last day which would’ve ensured we play smash the best team there. Would’ve been fun af to play them with the greatest line up we’ve ever had. I played the worst I’ve ever played. It was horrendous and my team suffered because of me. I let them down. I wasn’t feeling 100% and I just got in my own head. I was also thinking about how I lost my chance to have sex. It’s bad how much I thought about that. The fact that I didn’t make a move kinda showed that I haven’t changed. I’m still scared of rejection. Even though all the signs were there I didn’t make a move. Are you fucking kidding me? Everything I’ve wanted was right there in my lap. I’ve just been wanting meaningless sex and when the opportunity presented itself I didn’t grab it. It’s been on my mind since then and been fucking with my current happiness. It’s always been what happens when I miss an opportunity. I hate on myself for a long time and vow to never let that happen again but Lo and behold it did. Wtf. I am so mad at myself. Is sex so important to me that when I don’t get it it ruins my mood? Yes I guess so. It’s enough to make me upset and beat myself up over it like why the fuck didn’t you do anything!? Or how could you let that golden opportunity slip? I honestly don’t know why I still have trouble with closing. All I had to do was anything like touching her at all and it was a shoo in. For some reason I am afraid to touch. I thought I was over my issues of rejection. This depression I’ve been going through has been spiraling and spiraling. I’m losing a lot of friends and I just don’t care to want to try to keep them. Mike didn’t include me in a chain message about meeting his baby because I flaked once again. Yes it was wrong so I don’t blame him but I don’t feel like fighting to keep the relationship alive. Why? Because it always felt like I had to make up for flaking the one time for an annual post wedding Meetup. I could feel his animosity towards me and he would always “joke” about my flakiness. I was getting sick and tired of that. It always felt like I had to prove myself to him. I’m honestly sick of doing that. So that’s another friend I’ve lost connection with. 

Joy was another one because she felt I was too girl crazy and would comment on every hot friend of hers. Yes that was immature of me and did annoy her but she didn’t have the desire to talk to me about it first before she shut me out of her life? That was kinda immature of her. I decided to let it go. I felt it wasn’t that important of a friendship to hold onto as bad as that sounds. 

So right now I’m losing friends and unsure of what I want to do with my career. I am trying to figure things out with emily. How we can deal with this post breakup stuff. She wants to get back together despite of all I did to her. I still don’t know what I want. I miss her but I broke up with her because I wasn’t getting anywhere in my career and didn’t get enough me time. I think it’d be a step backward if I get back together with her but at the same time now that I have grown professionally and have my free time figured out a lot better maybe I could do better. What bothered me the most when we broke up was when she asked me “You don’t even want to try to work this out?” I said no but that question struck a blow to me. I realized I didn’t put in the effort to make it work when I could’ve. I could’ve talked to her how I felt. I made it seem like things were going great when inside, it wasn’t. I had doubts and was scared. I felt I couldn’t share this with her without making her upset and I hated making her upset. My intentions were to do least harm but I ended up messing her up. She said what I did messed with her head for a long time. I can never forgive myself for having done that. I seriously don’t know what to do. I’m vulnerable right now because I missed an opportunity. I know that. Yet everytime we see each other I look at her longingly and wish things had ended better. I wish I could’ve done it in person or at least tried harder to make it work. I more wish that I talked to her about how I felt before so suddenly breaking up with her without any warning. I told her I was thinking of moving to California but she said you can’t escape yourself. Which is true but it’s not myself I want to escape from. It’s all this turmoil I’ve caused. All these broken links in friendships. This feeling of being trapped with my parents. They need me but I need personal space. I don’t get true privacy. Whatever I do mom always has something to say. She once said I play too much volleyball. That really angered me. So you don’t want me to have a hobby? You want me to be stressed out all the time? because volleyball is a big stress reliever. I also have been wanting to be independent for a long time and my mom said I can cook my own food and do my own stuff if I want to be so independent. Now that I’m doing that she has a problem with me not eating together with her and dad. It’s like I can’t do anything without her feedback and opinion on the matter. I feel so overwhelmed right now with shit. I’m on vacation but fuck I’ve never been so unhappy. Even at nationals when I was hanging out I felt like I had to put a mask on. I cracked jokes and had a good time but on the inside I felt broken and empty. Also with jay I feel like I just don’t know what to say with him. I don’t know how to talk to him. He’s supposedly one of my best friends but we can’t even have a decent conversation. I need to get out of here to escape all these complicated relationships. It’s not about starting over it’s about escaping my current life. It’s just too hard to deal with. Today emily asked me if I’m ok. I tried to say yes I’m ok but it came out weak and unconvincing. She said are you sure and I told her that I’m actually not ok. That I’m depressed and don’t know what I want in my life. She still wants to be with me. Did I mess with her head that badly that she still wants to be with me? I am a pariah to her. I am a monster and I didnt even know it. My intentions were good but my actions were not. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings telling her how I felt inside but in the end I ended up hurting her way worse and causing damage that is irreversible. I basically fucked with her head. I didn’t mean to. Yea that statement sounds so meek and silly. I didn’t mean to. Well I did and I did it in the worst way possible. I’ve created a rift in the friendships I can sustain because when it’s me and emily in the same room it’s awkward. I made it that way though. It was fine but I fucked it up by avoiding her at devin and Kaitlin’s going away party. We had talked it out and worked things out that it wasn’t going to be weird anymore but then I had to go and avoid her. It made things really awkward. Idk why I did that. If I didn’t do that, things would probably be ok. But I did do that and now things are worse than before. I actually can’t say exactly why I avoided her. But it’s made us get to where we are now: where we want to get back together but I am once again unsure what to do. I constantly think about her but at the same time I want to move on. I guess that’s the answer right there. I want to move on. I did get this girls number at nationals who’s really cute but lives in dc. Long distance couldn’t work but she is quite beautiful. I’d be willing to see where this goes. 

One more thing I need to discuss. Today Priyanka hiren and I hung out and hiren went to get a drink while Priyanka went to wash her hands. Priyanka came back first and asked did hiren not come back yet? I said no so she said oh ok I’ll go to him so he doesn’t have to carry two drinks. Is it still weird for just the two of us to be together? I thought we were over this when we hung out at the mall together. I thought that was weird of her to say that. It’s not difficult bringing two drinks over and it wasn’t going to take long. Why did she say that? Sometimes I wonder if she still has feelings for me. If she did I wouldn’t do anything because she just isn’t the same person I knew all those years ago. I don’t know who she is anymore. Hiren and her have gotten closer yet I feel like I’m talking to an acquaintance when we talk. It’s all small talk and no personal stuff. I think that’s another reason I need to move. She is getting married soon and it’s still weird between us. Im not going to ignore that. We still rarely ever talk with just the two of us. I want to clear the air and get this straightened out. She says we’re best friends but are we really? All we do is hang out with the three of us and either you guys talk about stuff I am not interested in or hiren and I talk about stuff. It’s a force when I try to talk to her about something just the two of us. There is something dead in our relationship. The fire that once sparked our relationship is gone. We used to be close and liked each other at one point. We flirted and talked so easily to each other. I miss that. I’m ok with not doing the flirting now but the easy talking I really miss. I doubt it will ever be to that level again. I don’t know how to get over this hump. I don’t even want a relationship with her I want us to actually be able to talk again. I feel like she’s a stranger to me. Idk who she’s become. I’d like to get to know her though.

Rant over.

So I’ve been talking to a girl named Cherry who didn’t respond to a text of mine which was the first correspondence we had for almost a week so I can see why she did that. I was starting to lose interest after 9man volleyball weekend where I met all these amazing people and got a girl’s number at the club. 

To elaborate on the current situation Cherry and I were in, we were making out and she had given me head once. We never talked about what we were or what we were doing. I also never had sparks with her. Sure, we got along and liked touching each other but I never saw it going anywhere further than just sex (which never happened). 

I was physically attracted to her for sure. She is a fit Filipino girl with a great body and likes to dance and shake her booty. It was a strange feeling making out with her for the first time and feeling nothing. I felt emotionally detached yet physically very into her if you know what I mean. She was the first girl I kissed since I broke up with Emily. 

So that weekend of 9man I was just dancing and this random girl named Jess started talking to me. We exchanged numbers and idk what it was but I felt something again. She was cute and had a nice, positive energy I was giving with. She gave off an aura that said she was comfortable with where she is and genuinely nice. 

That’s when my interest in Cherry started dwindling. So when the weekend was over and I texted Cherry. It didn’t feel the same anymore. That flirty banter we had felt like a struggle. 

We had planned a night out dancing on Friday that week so when the time came, I just wasn’t feeling that same vibe anymore. She must’ve sensed it too. I also chose not to dance with her the majority of the night so she can enjoy her thing with the group of friends we went with. I wanted to do my own thing too. I think she must’ve wanted me to dance with her too. Instead it felt like I was the bodyguard fending off guys trying to dance with her. Idk it just wasn’t the same as when we first met when we danced and made out all day. 

This time I distanced myself from her. That’s exactly how I felt too. Distant. Not on the same wavelength. Girls pick up on small changes. Our conversations started becoming less stimulating. I felt like I was the one who had to initiate and when I did it just wasn’t as fun as it used to be. 

I wanted to see if she would text me but it didn’t happen. So for almost a week we had no correspondence until as a last ditch effort, I asked if she wanted to go to the gym with me on Monday (it was Saturday when I asked). I haven’t gotten a response back so it seems this “whatever we had” is over. I’m upset because I wanted to have sex with her but at the same time I was losing interest… fast.

Hiren said I get bored easily and he’s absolutely right. I am too much of a free spirit adventurer to commit in general. Commitment issues still plaque me. That’s why I broke up with Emily. I didn’t want to try to fix the relationship. I just wanted out. One thing she said to me has been haunting me since then. “You don’t even want to TRY to make this work?” 

That hit a mark when she asked me that. I was not even going to try to address the issue I was having with our relationship. I just saw being in a relationship as the issue. I didn’t see that the issue could even be worked out. 

I’ve been thinking about Emily a lot recently. I thought I was fine but I’m not. Yes, I’ve been getting exactly what I wanted by breaking up: I’ve been working out more, playing more volleyball, and focusing on work a lot better. However, I have been feeling sadder and lonelier. Especially when I’m home. When I’m out with friends I’m fine but as soon as I get home, I feel depressed. 

I need to find a solution for this. I can’t feel sad everytime I’m home. I need to occupy my mind somehow. Yet, Emily comes up a lot. I know it’s because I’m alone and single again that I think about her a lot so I know I’ll get over it. I just want to get all this meaningless sex mindset out of my system before I settle down again. Which brings up the issue with my current situation with Jess.

Our first date went well. I really admire her. She’s got her life figured out and is really comfortable with herself. I like how put together she is. She motivates me already to achieve more. I felt attracted to her emotionally as well as physically. I felt a sort of bonding with her I didn’t feel with Cherry. There was more of an understanding between us. 

The issue lies in that I want sex… just lots of sex. I want sex with super hot tall girls with long legs. My sex drive is higher than average I think. It just drives me to do stupid things and clouds my judgment at times. It’s gotten me in great situations yet self-destructive behaviors. I want a situation like the one I had with Claudia. We just met to have sex. It was the perfect set up. No talk of a relationship. Just sex. 

Lots to figure out. Gotta sleep though. To be continued. 

Balance Between Friends and your SO

Today I learned firsthand the delicacy of balance. I had made plans with friends a while back for dec 30th. Then made plans with my gf for dec 30th forgetting I had made plans for dec 30th already. I had to tell her I mistakenly made plans dec 30th already. She seemed upset. I got upset because I disappointed her. I really want to make this work.. We just started going out and I already made this error. I don’t want her to think of me as unreliable. I need to consider her feelings from the decisions I make now. I also have to consider finding time for my friends. I can’t spend all my time with her. Now more than ever, I realized the difficulty in balancing the important things in your life. I hope I can figure out how to juggle all of these things before it’s too late and I lose my friends or girlfriend’s trust. 

Watched porn but it made me feel worse than ive felt in a while. Since i have a gf now, porn has lost its pleasure. Its weird though. Now that I have a gf, Ive been wanting to watch porn more and look at other girls more but when I do, I feel like shit afterwards. 

This was the worst Ive felt from porn since my super christian days. It made me never want to watch porn again and I don’t want to watch it ever again. I think I really like this girl. I dont want to watch porn because it makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty again because it feels like im betraying her. I dont want to feel like this again. No more porn. I know it wont be hard not to watch it either because I still have a lot of sex with sarah. Porn just isnt worth investing my time into. 

Double Standards on One Night Stands

I went to a graduation party yeaterday and ended up hooking up with a Filipino girl. We were really enjoying ourselves until my friend who was throwing the party discovered us in my car. A few minutes later, her friends saw us (out o the car by now fully clothed) and they were angry. 

I thought that was strange. Usually when a friend hooks up with someone I leave them alone and congratulate them the next day. With her friends, however, one of them refused to talk to her and the other ones angrily and sarcastically said “Hey man its been a while since I saw you”. Even the guy friends were mad. So when a guy hooks up, it’s ok but if a girl hooks up, that’s not ok?

I felt I had to write about how unfair that seems. Why can’t girls express themselves sexually too? I have seen a lot of articles and heard a lot of girls say that there was a double standard on hooking up. I saw that from firsthand experience last night. 

The girl I was with, let’s call her S said something profound about that, “Why does a girl have to be slut shamed? We’re human too. We are just people. Why can’t we all just like sex and not be judged about it?” I wonder the same thing now. Sexuality is something that shouldn’t be repressed. Be free to explore it because it is a human need. It’s a form of self-discovery. When people get bothered by it it seems as if they put a certain image to people that should be upheld, an image of purity. So when someone ruins that image, they no longer seem as pure and innocent anymore. Why does sex have to mean you’re dirty now? Sex feels amazing. Why deny such an amazing experience? 

I hope that we can all just realize we all like sex and indulging in something that feels great and is good for you shouldn’t be discouraged. Sex is noone else’s business but the business of the people involved. So just do what you want and don’t give a shit on others opinions on hooking up. That’s not up to them. Enjoy yourself.

I started watching porn again recently and today made me realize why I stopped in the first place. It makes me generally depressed after I’m done. I don’t get sexual urges as much as I used to but when I do I find I need an outlet. I had an outlet through the girl I’d be seeing but that recently went to shit. I’ve grown to love sex to the point that I don’t know how to love someone anymore. I don’t know how to make a connection happen and fall for someone anymore. It seems like falling for someone was so much easier when I was innocent. Sex has distorted that ability I was so apt to partake in.

In some way it is a good thing that I don’t fall for someone as easily. I won’t get my heart broken. I won’t feel disappointment. When I do start seeing someone and we just end up having sex, I’m satisfied. Even if it’s just a sexual connection I have with someone, knowing I have someone to talk to is nice.

What I had with Winkie was going nowhere near a relationship but in ways it was. I wasn’t planning on starting a relationship with her. I was happy just having sex with her and she was too. We had the perfect arrangement. We talked everyday pretty much but it was never intimate talking. Just more like socializing. We never delved into deep, emotional topics. It was a friendship but with sex. That’s the best way I can describe it.

So when we stopped seeing each other, life was different. There were no more texts or snapchats everyday. There was no more sexual jokes or sexual meetups anymore. I went back to my old life before we started this arrangement. I went back to relying on masturbating to satisfy my urges which are pretty much gone. My sex drive goes way up when I’m actually with someone to satisfy my urges. When I have no one to release my sexual tension I want sex less which is ironic as hell now that I see that in writing.

When I’m with someone, I want sex all the time and my sex drive increases significantly but when I’m alone with no one to have sex with, my drive goes way down. I see that as a good thing and a bad thing. Good because when it’s crunch time, my body delivers but bad because when it’s downtime I start to think again.

I start to think about other things. I think about my life. Where I’m heading. What I want to do. Why I’m so sad and lonely. I have a good family who loves me. I have a new sister in law. I have amazing friends who are there for me when I need them. So why the fuck do I feel so fucking dead and empty inside?

It’s funny how emotions cloud logic. Like asking why to a question that should be answerable but isn’t. The minute I ask why is a losing battle but I still insist on going to war. I just want to know how I can be happy. So I guess that’s the answer I’m looking for: the key to being happy.

At home is when I feel the saddest. When I’m alone in my room, I wallow in my feelings. I always need distractions. That is big with me. I have always needed distractions from my demons. Now that I have no distraction, I’m desperately trying to find more through video games and movies. I understand why I like video games so much. They are an escape. Something to make me NOT think. Ignorance is bliss. I hate that saying so much. It’s true though.

Does happiness have to come at the price of freedom from distraction? What must I do? What do I have to do to make myself stop feeling like shit? Even if I did find out why I was sad, would I change it? I am a hypochondriac. I guess I like the attention. I always think something is wrong with me. I don’t know why I do that. As if finding out something truly is wrong with me will bring me joy. What am I trying to discover about myself?

Thoughts on Updated mindset on sex

Had sex with a different girl this time and I think I’m starting to really understand the subtle differences between girls. I’m also starting to get bored easier. I had sex with her 4 times in 2 days and idk I found myself finally ok with leaving without having sex one more time right before I left. That’s never happened before. I’ve always wanted to bang as much as possible but this time I was too tired and just not interested in doing so. Not because the sex wasn’t good because it was good but because I definitely know for sure, I want something definitive and meaningful so when I do have sex we show each other affection emotionally as well.

Volleyball God Status

Last night was when I saw my true potential as a volleyball player. It was an awakening of my true abilities. I was passing dimes and for the first time, I saw the block clearly and hit away from it on purpose. It was never a blind swing like I used to do. Now that I’ve had a taste of my true potential as a volleyball player I know I can compete at the highest levels if I keep this up. I have to keep up my training and play more. I want to be able to see the block everytime and swing away from it everytime. I attribute my success last night to all the cardio I’ve been doing. That one taste of greatness is all I need to get addicted. I want more. I want to get even better.

Fwb Affecting Me Negatively

Fwb are not healthy for me. Even though we agreed to be honest I still feel insecure. I find myself worrying when she doesn’t text back or doesn’t agree to meet up again. The coldness and lack of compassion is uncomfortable. I really wonder why I am this way. I think my need to be liked is just overbearing. It dictates my actions and my thoughts. I want to be loved. I want to find someone to love. Yes, this is awesome that I get to have steamy fuck sessions but I guess I want more. Not necessarily from Liz but someone. I think this is why people struggle with fwb.

They want more and it might not be from their fwb but when they find that they don’t get the affection they would from a normal relationship where they have sex, it throws off everything in their world. I think that normally with sex, affection and growing occur along with it but because it’s just sex and nothing else, it leaves me wanting something more. It leaves me wanting affection along with the sex. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop doing this fwb I have. It just means that I’m aware that I would ultimately want a relationship but while I’m looking, I will have the hottest sex of my life without the affection you get from a relationship. It sounds sad but I just love sex so much. I don’t see the benefit of giving sex up when it’s accessible.