I’m having trouble saying that I’m in love with her but I can say for sure I have feelings for her still. I am on my way back from a bachelorette party in which I was one of the bridemen. I don’t understand why she still views me as a close friend when a lot of times we hang out I feel like I have to tip toe around her and I can feel this uncomfortable tension between us. She seems to not know what to say either when it’s just the two of us.
Strangely it’s only when it’s the two of us along with Hiren that it’s weird. When Hiren gets up to use the bathroom or leaves us alone for a bit it gets noticeably weird and awkward. I think the biggest reason I feel the way I do is because she gave me so many chances and we were always so close to getting together or even kissing.
It was when we were watching the Shining. Everyone else fell asleep and it was just Priyanka and me. We were chatting and getting really close but never touching. We were inches from kissing and were just talking but I was too scared to make a move because I believed she wasn’t the one and I was looking for The One. So our other friends woke up and headed out along with Priyanka leaving me in the dark wondering what if? Still to this day I’m left with what if’s?
When she was about to go meet up with Joe who was waiting for her outside to ask her out, she was drunk and we were drinking together just me and her. She kept saying “you are such a good friend. You know that?” But as she was saying this she was leaning in and looking at me. There was a look of desperation in her. That look said “Please ask me to stay.” Again, I hesitated and let her go. I let her go say yes to a guy who she broke up with a month later.
I saw her crying after seeing Chane who would make her upset everytime she saw him. I watched as Chane broke down the girl I had fallen for. She changed after that relationship. She was damaged. I wish I could’ve saved her the heartache. I could’ve saved her when we pledged into APO together.
We went to an APO party where we got fucked up. We danced together. Then the next day we talked about it. She didn’t remember much so I told her that we had danced together to which she got quiet. I told her “But don’t worry it didn’t mean anything. Just because you dance with someone doesn’t mean it means something.” I remember her face when I said that. She was sad. She did want it to mean something. I didn’t want it to mean something at that time. I was still looking for my future wife who probably wasn’t her according to my family and my warped delusions of the future.
A few days later, it was the deciding day for the brothers to accept us. I was hanging out with some ppl and she came and sat quietly right next to me. Didn’t need to say anything. I was enjoying her company. We played Egyptian rat screw and Parth accidentally took her nail off. While he was tending to her, I continued playing and he eventually would ask her out and he’d be her first boyfriend. He was a good guy and I wasn’t bothered at the time. Then they broke up and found myself hanging out with her at her home in North Brunswick.
It was just us two and we were having fun and I felt this energy. I felt this tension. I didn’t act upon it. I can sense she wanted us to talk about the prospect of us. Another chance I passed up because I believed there would be someone else. Now I’m not so sure.
Logically it makes no sense why I should like her. I can’t describe how she is as a person. I don’t think she’s particularly funny and she rarely ever tries to be funny. I enjoyed making her laugh though. Her reactions to scary movies. She even would hold my hand.
Even while she was going out with her now fiancée, we went to watch a scary movie and she held my hand during a scary scene and kept it there. At the bachelorette party even. Idk how this happened but we ended up holding hands in the rain while we walked back to the hotel. But during that time I still didn’t know what to talk about.
I have trouble finding things to talk about with her. It’s uncomfortable. I can’t talk to her the way I used to be able to. I think when we were both single it was simpler because we were flirting with each other and able to. Now that she’s getting married, that flirtatious nature of our relationship can’t happen. From the get go of our first time meeting each other, I was attracted to her and there was a flirtatious mood between us. We would always laugh together in our own little corner, cut off from everyone else.
Now she seems closer with Hiren and I feel jealous. It’s been the three of us since college but she seems to prefer talking with Hiren. I see the nonverbal cues. She faces him more while she talks to us as a group and barely makes eye contact with me. She leans on him more when we hanging. It may sound whiny but I really miss being the one she confided in.
She used to talk to me about everything. The terrible treatment of the boys she dated or how she just wasn’t feeling one of the boys who liked her. She’d talk to me about the kind of guy she liked and if she would date an Asian guy (obviously asking for myself). It all changed when she started dating Ankur.
The last night of college we went out to the bars and that’s when I confessed I liked her since freshmen year. She confessed she did too and asked why I never asked her out. I don’t remember what I said but I think I mentioned that my parents and family would probably have been against it. That night I wanted to ask her out or at least make a move. So we danced a bit then she danced with some other guy.
I remember feeling hurt and on the way home calling my brother. All those times I hesitated and now I was sure I wanted her but she was dancing with some other guy and didn’t seem to want me anymore. I cried that night. All that pent up frustration came full circle that night. I felt I had lost my chance with her for real. My suspicion was right.
A short time later she started dating Ankur. I was tossed to the side as a potential prospect at this point. I accepted it because that’s what I do best. I let her go and this time was the last time. There would be no other chance. All those other times I subconsciously must’ve thought I’d have more time. I thought this time wouldn’t be any different. Now I live in regret of that decision.
Ankur is an amazing guy and it’s no wonder she fell for him. Successful, amiable, and driven. Similar to Priyanka in that aspect. I can’t help but feel like if someone were to have her he’d be the one.
I’m in a different part of my journey right now than she is. She is ready to settle down. Me? Not so much. I feel like I have so much more to see. So many more people to date. I compare my journey to Ted’s from HIMYM. Priyanka is my Robin. I cannot have Robin so I am on a search for the perfect girl.
So far I’m finding that I need a girl who makes me laugh and who I can be comfortable with. So I’m actually finding my move to California to be good in the respect that I’m learning what I want in a relationship. Even though Priyanka is out of the question, writing about all this made me realize I can move on. It’s not hopeless, my love for Priyanka, I mean. It’s not going to hold me back from dating other girls is what I mean. And maybe that’s a good sign. Because who’s to say that what I feel for Priyanka is just my FOMO.
Fear of missing out has been an overwhelming theme in my life since college. The girls I didn’t hook up with when I easily had the chance and the girl who was right in front of me who I liked back but didn’t make a move on because I was too busy trying to find The One have instilled an intense FOMO in me that still ravages my life today. Until I can get over my FOMO I don’t think I’ll be satisfied with my life. No matter how many more girls I sleep with and girls I date the FOMO remains. So what can I do to fix this accursed illness?
I think I’m mostly sad that Priyanka and I aren’t the same anymore. We don’t get along like we used to and I find myself hypersensitive when she disapproves of something I do or say. I want us to be like we used to so when she and I don’t know what to say to each other I get extra nervous and anxious about what to say next. That isn’t the mark of a true friend is it? So what makes her want to still invite me to things like her bachelorette and bridal party?
I find myself questioning why she values our friendship. I make things awkward for her and we don’t know what to say to each other. Actually who am I kidding? It’s because we care about each other. We may not get along like we used to but we care about each other and our well being.
I will always care about her and do hope for what’s best for her. I can go through this wedding if I know she will be well taken care of. Her happiness not mine. It’s like I always say happiness is found within yourself. Having her won’t make me happy if I’m not already happy with myself. So from this point until the wedding I’m going to work on battling my depression. I’m going to find happiness within myself that is untouchable by anyone but myself.
Priyanka I love you. I hope you are truly happy. I will not stand in the way of your happiness cuz of my greed. I am going to be one of this guys in the movies who watches her marry someone else. That’s ok though because you’re marrying someone who obviously cares about you and can provide for you. He has his life figured out and I’m not quite done figuring my life out. I’m not ready for you. I just hope we can find a rhythm and find that same wavelength we used to be in again. If we can accomplish the friendship we once had I’ll be happy. Until then, I’m going to actively work on us. I’m going to work hard to figure out what it is I need to figure out to be a good friend to you again. I just hope you can talk to me comfortably again. That’s my biggest wish out of all of this.